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Please Continue to Hold (Long version)

from Leader of the Heathens by Antmanmusic

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This is not so much a song as it is a big, interesting joke.

Once upon a time, I was married. One day, early in the morning, while my wife was in recovery from a microdiskectomy, the phone by our bed rang. It startled us both awake and she hurt herself by reflexively turning to answer the thing.

She said "hello?"

The robot on the other end asked her to hold for a very important message. It was a bill collector. She was kept on hold, contorted and writhing, for quite a while.

I was mad because it didn't seem fair that a bill collector should have robots do their dirty work and make people answer the phone when there was nobody to talk to.

I had heard once that, in most instances, if one of those agencies called, their call-center person was not allowed to hang up until the person they were pestering ended the call.

Putting that together with the anger I was feeling toward the pesterer, I came up with a plan:

What if I were to make a long, (or long-ish), track which would drive a captive audience nuts while simultaneously giving them a taste of their own medicine?

In theory, this track could be put on one of those little boxes you can buy at electronics stores and pumped out as "hold music".

Then, when a tormentor called, one could put the jerk on hold and play the track on a loop. The pesterer would not be allowed to hang up on the sinister "hold music" and perhaps, if the idea caught on, the track might change the way those companies do business.

It didn't catch on… but it turned out cool anyway.

Check it out.

There is a short version on here as well. It's slightly different and, in my opinion, not as nice, but back when this was made, it made sense to make it, since nearly everyone had dial-up, and the track was designed to be downloaded and used. Most people didn't have the patience to sit around for an hour waiting for an 8 minute track to download, so I gave those impatient folks an alternative.

So, anyway, enjoy.

Feel free to use this to "entertain" people you put on hold. That would crack me up.

lyrics

Please Continue to Hold… We'll Be with You Shortly.

credits

from Leader of the Heathens, track released September 1, 1998

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